Having no Christian friends in the city, I often feel the world overwhelming me. Although I logically know that I am certainly not the only one here trying to make their life count for God, it often feels like it. Even for someone who has always been on the non conformist side of things, it starts to be tempting to stifle ones convictions just enough to find a place to fit in.
My roommate is completely flabbergasted I don’t stay in bed Sunday morning. The girls at work don’t understand why I come home after we close up shop instead of joining them at the club. The guys who work in the neighboring shops cannot fathom why I continually turn down dates and invitations for drinks after work. Sometimes, I even question it myself. With no law telling me that I absolutely cannot do these things, it is very tempting to step a bit sideways. After all, going home alone at the end of each night can get to be pretty lonely (thank GOD I have three Christian friends who are all night owls and only a phone call away). This morning though, my pep talk came from the book of Romans:
For if we have been joined with Him in the likeness of His death, we will certainly also be in the likeness of His resurrection. Foe we know that our old self was crucified with Him in order that sin’s dominion of the body may be abolished, so that we may no longer be enslaved to sin, since a person who has died is freed from sin’s claims…So you to consider yourselves dead to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus. {Romans 6:5-7, 11}
Next to these verses in Romans is one of my personal cross references, speaking about our freedom from the law.
Christ has liberated us into freedom. Therefore stand firm and don’t submit again to a yoke of slavery. For you are called to freedom, brothers; only don’t use this freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but serve one another through love. {Galatians 5: 1 and 13}
…interesting combination. I have to admit, it took me a minute to muddle through what I was thinking two years ago when I set the two scriptures side by side. Although we often think of grace as replacing the law, it is only though the law that we realize how great of grace we have received (Romans 7:7-8). If I am dead to sin and free from the law where does that leave me? At the guidance of the Holy Spirit, a tool in the hands of GOD.
Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body, so that you obey its desires. And do not offer any parts of it to sin as weapons for unrighteousness. But as those who are alive from the dead, offer yourselves to God, and all the parts of yourselves to God as weapons for righteousness. {Romans 6: 12-13}
I am weak and human. I cannot follow the whole law and therefore fail when I attempt to please GOD with my own righteousness, which often results in my discouragement and submission to sin. When I submit to HIM and allow HIM to use me a weapon for righteousness, I can do nothing but succeed. Being dead to sin does mean that there are places I don’t go and things I don’t do, even though everybody else does and encourages me to participate as well. Yet, being alive is Christ is far more of a reward than anything else in this life.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Day 18
I attended church again this week and really enjoyed the service this time around. The format is a bit different than what I’m use to, but the word is always a blessing. Instead of the occasionally fiery Baptist preaching I am accustomed to, this service is more of a family Bible study. Verse by verse teaching of the scriptures are lead by a pastor in a conversational tone and a mile long list of cross references for every point he wants to make. In 60 minutes we went over 4 verses and were back and forth through out the Old and New Testaments countless times. Although it may not be what most of us expect from church, it is a great asset for someone who is deeply searching. I came away with a new take on the concept of redemption and the role of CHRIST as kinsman redeemer, as well as a couple hours worth of personal study plans.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
DAY 14
And not only that, but we also rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope. This hope does not disappoint, because God’s love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. {Romans 5:3-5}
Just a quick thought today. Properly dealt with, affliction becomes exercise for the soul. If I had chosen to rejoice in all things from the beginning, my soul wouldn’t be so out of shape now.
Just a quick thought today. Properly dealt with, affliction becomes exercise for the soul. If I had chosen to rejoice in all things from the beginning, my soul wouldn’t be so out of shape now.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
A Short Devotion
This was sent to me by a friend. I thought you all might enjoy it as well.http://www.wels.net/spiritual-help/daily-devotion/2010-08/pain-good-august-25-2010
DAY 13
Ever since I was a little girl, the desire dearest to my heart was to have a family. I always pictured myself herding a brood of noisy, happy children throughout the day and greeting a tired but smiling husband at the door each evening. Sounds pretty ordinary, but the vision never stopped there. It wasn’t going to be the disjointed family that I grew up in, but a family that loved GOD and each other beyond comprehension. We were going to mirror, to the best of human ability, the family relationship between CHRIST and the church. Now this desire of my heart may seem like a natural, girlish fantasy, but I always believed that is was more. It is something that GOD placed on my heart because HE knows what HE has planned for a family and what role HE desires me to play in that family.
When my babies were born, you would not believe how my heart rejoiced! It was as if with each birth, a new part of me came to life. I sang and read and talked to them far before they were even birthed. I set scripture to the tunes of popular nursery rhymes and children’s ditties for them to learn in an easy, natural way. We spent every waking hour together and often ended up sleeping piled up like possums. Together, the children and I were happy, but the man who was supposed to come home every evening wasn’t on the same page. Of course, he said he was, but many nights he didn’t even show up and many others he showed up ranting.
Then things turned from bad to worse, our marriage ended and I felt like a failure. The tormentor used scriptures like
Every wise woman builds her house, but a foolish one tears it down with her own hands. {Proverbs 14:1}
and
Now as the church submits to Christ, so wives should submit to their husbands in everything. {Ephesians 5: 24}
pared with the accounts of Sara’s obedience to Abraham even when he was wrong (Genesis 12:10-20 and chapter 20) to beat me down. Mixed with some strict fundamentalist doctrine it did the trick pretty well. One person even told me that if I had had enough faith, GOD would have turned my husband into a GODLY man and the demise of the family was completely on my head.
Since that time, GOD has released me of that burden of guilt. I have or had no control over what my husband did and even though the end of our marriage was the result of sin, it was not the result of my sin. In fact, I have had to ask GOD’S forgiveness for not protecting the precious children HE gave me and allowing them to stay in an abusive situation for as long as I did. After the guilt was removed, I was simply filled with sorrow. I felt that I had lost the chance to give GOD and my children the family I had felt called to. Although my children are being raised by my Mama and Daddy while I am attending college and get myself put back together, I still long for them to have the happy healthy family I had envisioned for them.
About a week ago, I was crying to one of my very few girlfriends (we have been together since high school and know each other in a way that only old friends can). I was telling her of how it broke my heart that my children were now at ages where I felt they would never have a Daddy. After my tearful confession, she very calmly asked me a question. “How old were you when you got your Daddy?” Then I just had to laugh. I was 21. This amazing, GODLY man took it upon himself to care for me and my children before he even started dating my Mama. My baby bug has never known a time in her life when he was not her “Pa” (the only part of “grandpa” that is understandable with a thumb in her mouth). She was two when they got married and use to tell people, “My Pa and my Ma’laine they had me and I was their grandbaby, so they had to get married.”
Ok, so where am I going with all this? Today’s reading was Romans chapter 4.
For the promise to Abraham or to his descendants that he would inherit the world was not through the law, but through the righteousness that comes by faith…Against hope, with hope he believed, so that he became the father of many nations, according to what had been spoken: So will your descendents be. He considered his own body to be already dead (since he was about a hundred years old), and the deadness of Sarah’s womb, without weakening in faith. He did not waver in unbelief at God’s promise, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God because he was fully convinced that what He had promised He was also able to perform. Therefore, it was credited to him as righteousness.{Romans 4:13, 18-22}
How fitting that GOD would use the same life to renew HIS hope in my heart as tormentor used to needle me! My desire for a GODLY family is not something that I placed in my heart, GOD gave me that desire and HE will see it come to fruition. It is not too late. With GOD it is never too late. Yes, I need to be reminded of the promise; GOD reminded Abraham three times (Genesis 15, 17, and 18). Yes, I have and do make mistakes, Abraham did (Genesis 12, 16, 17-he actually laughs at God, and 20) and so did Sarah (Genesis 18), but GOD is faithful. HE sees our hearts and knows our weakness and loves us just the same. Not only does HE continue to love us, but HE continues to use us and move us toward HIS ultimate plan.
When my babies were born, you would not believe how my heart rejoiced! It was as if with each birth, a new part of me came to life. I sang and read and talked to them far before they were even birthed. I set scripture to the tunes of popular nursery rhymes and children’s ditties for them to learn in an easy, natural way. We spent every waking hour together and often ended up sleeping piled up like possums. Together, the children and I were happy, but the man who was supposed to come home every evening wasn’t on the same page. Of course, he said he was, but many nights he didn’t even show up and many others he showed up ranting.
Then things turned from bad to worse, our marriage ended and I felt like a failure. The tormentor used scriptures like
Every wise woman builds her house, but a foolish one tears it down with her own hands. {Proverbs 14:1}
and
Now as the church submits to Christ, so wives should submit to their husbands in everything. {Ephesians 5: 24}
pared with the accounts of Sara’s obedience to Abraham even when he was wrong (Genesis 12:10-20 and chapter 20) to beat me down. Mixed with some strict fundamentalist doctrine it did the trick pretty well. One person even told me that if I had had enough faith, GOD would have turned my husband into a GODLY man and the demise of the family was completely on my head.
Since that time, GOD has released me of that burden of guilt. I have or had no control over what my husband did and even though the end of our marriage was the result of sin, it was not the result of my sin. In fact, I have had to ask GOD’S forgiveness for not protecting the precious children HE gave me and allowing them to stay in an abusive situation for as long as I did. After the guilt was removed, I was simply filled with sorrow. I felt that I had lost the chance to give GOD and my children the family I had felt called to. Although my children are being raised by my Mama and Daddy while I am attending college and get myself put back together, I still long for them to have the happy healthy family I had envisioned for them.
About a week ago, I was crying to one of my very few girlfriends (we have been together since high school and know each other in a way that only old friends can). I was telling her of how it broke my heart that my children were now at ages where I felt they would never have a Daddy. After my tearful confession, she very calmly asked me a question. “How old were you when you got your Daddy?” Then I just had to laugh. I was 21. This amazing, GODLY man took it upon himself to care for me and my children before he even started dating my Mama. My baby bug has never known a time in her life when he was not her “Pa” (the only part of “grandpa” that is understandable with a thumb in her mouth). She was two when they got married and use to tell people, “My Pa and my Ma’laine they had me and I was their grandbaby, so they had to get married.”
Ok, so where am I going with all this? Today’s reading was Romans chapter 4.
For the promise to Abraham or to his descendants that he would inherit the world was not through the law, but through the righteousness that comes by faith…Against hope, with hope he believed, so that he became the father of many nations, according to what had been spoken: So will your descendents be. He considered his own body to be already dead (since he was about a hundred years old), and the deadness of Sarah’s womb, without weakening in faith. He did not waver in unbelief at God’s promise, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God because he was fully convinced that what He had promised He was also able to perform. Therefore, it was credited to him as righteousness.{Romans 4:13, 18-22}
How fitting that GOD would use the same life to renew HIS hope in my heart as tormentor used to needle me! My desire for a GODLY family is not something that I placed in my heart, GOD gave me that desire and HE will see it come to fruition. It is not too late. With GOD it is never too late. Yes, I need to be reminded of the promise; GOD reminded Abraham three times (Genesis 15, 17, and 18). Yes, I have and do make mistakes, Abraham did (Genesis 12, 16, 17-he actually laughs at God, and 20) and so did Sarah (Genesis 18), but GOD is faithful. HE sees our hearts and knows our weakness and loves us just the same. Not only does HE continue to love us, but HE continues to use us and move us toward HIS ultimate plan.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
DAY 12
In reading the book of Romans I am continually being reminded how important it is to know scripture. No matter what point Paul is trying to make, he backs it up with Old Testament scriptures that many of his readers were probably already familiar with. It seems that in every chapter he says “as it is written” at least once. This has spurred me to begin scripture memorization again…something I have not done for quite awhile. This is the verse I am currently working on. I feel led to make it my life prayer.
Who perceives his unintentional sins? Cleanse me from my hidden faults. Moreover, keep your servant from willful sins; do not let them rule over me. Then I will be innocent, and cleansed from blatant rebellion. May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable to You, LORD, my rock and my Redeemer. {Psalm 19:12-14}
Who perceives his unintentional sins? Cleanse me from my hidden faults. Moreover, keep your servant from willful sins; do not let them rule over me. Then I will be innocent, and cleansed from blatant rebellion. May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable to You, LORD, my rock and my Redeemer. {Psalm 19:12-14}
Sunday, August 22, 2010
DAY 11
Today, I went to church. In the past year, I have only attended service 3 times, all when I was visiting my family. Today, I chose to go and worship. I enjoyed the service, but with my over active thought processing I was too busy taking everything in to fully submerge myself in the worship. Also, the fact that it was a non-denominational church had me on edge...it's so hard to know what they really believe. I looked them up online before I went and I didn't find anything in their belief statement that was different than what I would expect to find from a Bible believing church, but I am still not too sure about them. I am committed to finding a church home for the remainder of my time in the city and I am positive that the LORD will provide.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
DAY 8
My morning reading now consists of a Daily Bread devotional I found in the back of my Bible and the book of Romans. I started with the devotional this morning and read Joshua 1: 1-9. In this passage, GOD has given Joshua the role of leader to the entire Israelite race. Not only does GOD admonish Joshua to be strong and courageous three times in this passage, he also tells him how keep his eyes on GOD and off of the fearful task before him.
Above all, be strong and very courageous to carefully observe the whole instruction My servant Moses commanded you. Do not turn from it to the right or the left, so that you will have success wherever you go. This book of instruction must not depart from your mouth; you are to recite it day and night, so that you may carefully observe everything written in it. For then you will prosper and succeed in whatever you do. {Joshua 1: 7-8}
Knowing GOD’s instructions is a critical part of our Christian walk. We are to not just read it, but know it. Our Bible is the living word of GOD. By studying it with prayer and an open heart, GOD will use it in a very real way in our daily lives.
For the word of God is living and effective and shaper than any two edged sword, penetrating as far as to divide soul, spirit, joints, and marrow; it is a judge of the ideas and thoughts from the heart. {Hebrews 4:12}
I for one, certainly need clear cut instructions for every step I take and even then I often tremble with fear. That is where my reading from Romans comes in.
We have received grace and apostleship through Him to bring about the obedience of faith among all nations, on behalf of His name, {Romans 1:5}
Faith does not come naturally. Through obedience I will practice faith in my LORD. When I looked up faith in the dictionary I found unquestioning belief, complete trust or confidence, and loyalty among the definitions. Hummmm, complete trust or confidence…sounds kind of like what it takes to be strong and courageous. When GOD is telling Joshua (or me) to be strong and courageous HE is really saying “have faith…practice obedience of faith.” Then he follows it with a promise.
Haven’t I commanded you, be strong and courageous? Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go. {Joshua 1:9}
Above all, be strong and very courageous to carefully observe the whole instruction My servant Moses commanded you. Do not turn from it to the right or the left, so that you will have success wherever you go. This book of instruction must not depart from your mouth; you are to recite it day and night, so that you may carefully observe everything written in it. For then you will prosper and succeed in whatever you do. {Joshua 1: 7-8}
Knowing GOD’s instructions is a critical part of our Christian walk. We are to not just read it, but know it. Our Bible is the living word of GOD. By studying it with prayer and an open heart, GOD will use it in a very real way in our daily lives.
For the word of God is living and effective and shaper than any two edged sword, penetrating as far as to divide soul, spirit, joints, and marrow; it is a judge of the ideas and thoughts from the heart. {Hebrews 4:12}
I for one, certainly need clear cut instructions for every step I take and even then I often tremble with fear. That is where my reading from Romans comes in.
We have received grace and apostleship through Him to bring about the obedience of faith among all nations, on behalf of His name, {Romans 1:5}
Faith does not come naturally. Through obedience I will practice faith in my LORD. When I looked up faith in the dictionary I found unquestioning belief, complete trust or confidence, and loyalty among the definitions. Hummmm, complete trust or confidence…sounds kind of like what it takes to be strong and courageous. When GOD is telling Joshua (or me) to be strong and courageous HE is really saying “have faith…practice obedience of faith.” Then he follows it with a promise.
Haven’t I commanded you, be strong and courageous? Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go. {Joshua 1:9}
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
DAY 7
I got my Bible back this morning. As soon as I had brought everything upstairs I sat down in my jumble of art supplies and started to pray and read. I am still sitting in the middle of the mess even as I write. There were a few things from my reading that I wanted to share with my dear ones here while it is still fresh in my mind.
When I closed my prayers, I asked GOD to show me where I should read. It had been so long since I had turned to the scriptures that I didn’t know where to start. Not surprisingly, he led me right to my favorite book: Romans. My ribbon was placed in Romans 8 and verse 20 just seemed to jump off the page (and not only because it was written in bold print).
I was found by those who were not looking for Me; I revealed Myself to those who were not asking for Me. {Romans 8:20 and Isaiah 65:1}
A month ago I was certainly not looking for GOD. I was doing my very best to look away from him. Even thought I knew the scriptures and was occasionally appalled at my own actions, I was bound and determined to make life work my way. I was tired of seeing people who I knew gave GOD no thought at all doing (what I perceived as) better in life than I was, while I struggled along trying to live a holy life and seemed to get nowhere. Most of all, I saw the loss of my children as a direct assault against me from GOD. Yes, my logical mind knew that they were safe with my parents, but my heart said that the separation hurt too much and was unfair. I had done everything I had been told to do in order to keep them and had still lost.
In July, I was at my parents spending a week with the children. Even then I was struggling. Just watching them and knowing that this one week was just a moment in their small but ever changing lives was heartbreaking. Holding them was bittersweet, because I knew that it was soon going to end and my arms would once again be empty. Over and over that week, I told GOD it was unfair. I told HIM I was angry with HIM. I asked HIM why. There didn’t seem to be any answer. Then, the day before I was suppose to leave my youngest came up to me with a gift. It was a beaded key chain that read “God is loving.” To be completely honest, I didn’t want it. Holding it in my hand I thought rather hatefully “it’s not true,” but because it was a gift from my baby bug I had to accept it. In the pretense of packing I stuffed that key chain way down in my bag and tried to forget it, but GOD had sent me a message and he wasn’t about to let me ignore it. That key chain wore on my mind. I found that I just couldn’t forget it. Finally I said to GOD, “My baby bug says that you are loving. I don’t feel it. Please, show me.”
LORD, our Lord, how magnificent is Your name throughout the earth! You have covered the heavens with Your majesty! Because of Your adversaries, You have established a stronghold! from the mouths of children and nursing infants, to silence the enemy and the avenger. {Psalm 8:1-2}
After that the whole world started changing. I started to see GODS love in so many areas in my life and in all the little things that I had been taking for granite. Now I can once again say, that yes, GOD is loving and he does have my best interest at heart. I am constantly reminded of a quote by Charles Spurgen: “GOD is too wise to be mistaken. GOD is too good to be unkind. And when you can’t trace HIS hand, trust HIS heart.”
There were so many other things I wanted to share with you today, but I have already been long winded. If like me, you are hurting, please read Isaiah 65 and take heart in the New Creation to come. A time when we will not know pain or even be able to remember the struggles of the past is coming. GOD has promised and GOD always keeps his promises. As for me, this is the person I will endeavor to be until that time…
This is, the LORD’s declaration. I will look favorably on this kind of person: one who is humble, submissive in spirit, and who trembles at MY word. {Isaiah 66: 2b}
When I closed my prayers, I asked GOD to show me where I should read. It had been so long since I had turned to the scriptures that I didn’t know where to start. Not surprisingly, he led me right to my favorite book: Romans. My ribbon was placed in Romans 8 and verse 20 just seemed to jump off the page (and not only because it was written in bold print).
I was found by those who were not looking for Me; I revealed Myself to those who were not asking for Me. {Romans 8:20 and Isaiah 65:1}
A month ago I was certainly not looking for GOD. I was doing my very best to look away from him. Even thought I knew the scriptures and was occasionally appalled at my own actions, I was bound and determined to make life work my way. I was tired of seeing people who I knew gave GOD no thought at all doing (what I perceived as) better in life than I was, while I struggled along trying to live a holy life and seemed to get nowhere. Most of all, I saw the loss of my children as a direct assault against me from GOD. Yes, my logical mind knew that they were safe with my parents, but my heart said that the separation hurt too much and was unfair. I had done everything I had been told to do in order to keep them and had still lost.
In July, I was at my parents spending a week with the children. Even then I was struggling. Just watching them and knowing that this one week was just a moment in their small but ever changing lives was heartbreaking. Holding them was bittersweet, because I knew that it was soon going to end and my arms would once again be empty. Over and over that week, I told GOD it was unfair. I told HIM I was angry with HIM. I asked HIM why. There didn’t seem to be any answer. Then, the day before I was suppose to leave my youngest came up to me with a gift. It was a beaded key chain that read “God is loving.” To be completely honest, I didn’t want it. Holding it in my hand I thought rather hatefully “it’s not true,” but because it was a gift from my baby bug I had to accept it. In the pretense of packing I stuffed that key chain way down in my bag and tried to forget it, but GOD had sent me a message and he wasn’t about to let me ignore it. That key chain wore on my mind. I found that I just couldn’t forget it. Finally I said to GOD, “My baby bug says that you are loving. I don’t feel it. Please, show me.”
LORD, our Lord, how magnificent is Your name throughout the earth! You have covered the heavens with Your majesty! Because of Your adversaries, You have established a stronghold! from the mouths of children and nursing infants, to silence the enemy and the avenger. {Psalm 8:1-2}
After that the whole world started changing. I started to see GODS love in so many areas in my life and in all the little things that I had been taking for granite. Now I can once again say, that yes, GOD is loving and he does have my best interest at heart. I am constantly reminded of a quote by Charles Spurgen: “GOD is too wise to be mistaken. GOD is too good to be unkind. And when you can’t trace HIS hand, trust HIS heart.”
There were so many other things I wanted to share with you today, but I have already been long winded. If like me, you are hurting, please read Isaiah 65 and take heart in the New Creation to come. A time when we will not know pain or even be able to remember the struggles of the past is coming. GOD has promised and GOD always keeps his promises. As for me, this is the person I will endeavor to be until that time…
This is, the LORD’s declaration. I will look favorably on this kind of person: one who is humble, submissive in spirit, and who trembles at MY word. {Isaiah 66: 2b}
Monday, August 16, 2010
DAY 5
I need spiritual food. I can already feel myself slipping. My ex-boyfriend brought most of my things over this morning and unloading his truck it finally hit me that I am physically alone…again. I don’t belong anywhere or with anyone. I know that I am never truly alone, but sometimes it sure feels like it. Unfortunately, of all the things he brought over today, the suitcase with my Bible in it wasn’t among them.
I didn’t go to church yesterday: partly because I was exhausted and partly because I was afraid. Sitting through a blistering sermon doesn’t faze me, I know I need a few good talking’s to. There are many areas in my life that need major correction. Making those corrections is going to be painful, but with God’s hand they will also bring freedom and comfort. What intimidates me are the people. Meeting new people in the context of a church isn’t easy for me anymore. I need the fellowship and long for a church family, but I am terrified that I will be turned away.
All in all, I still know that I am tremendously blessed. I have a loving family and supportive friends. I was given a job the very moment I needed it and I am living in one of the nicest apartment buildings in town.
I didn’t go to church yesterday: partly because I was exhausted and partly because I was afraid. Sitting through a blistering sermon doesn’t faze me, I know I need a few good talking’s to. There are many areas in my life that need major correction. Making those corrections is going to be painful, but with God’s hand they will also bring freedom and comfort. What intimidates me are the people. Meeting new people in the context of a church isn’t easy for me anymore. I need the fellowship and long for a church family, but I am terrified that I will be turned away.
All in all, I still know that I am tremendously blessed. I have a loving family and supportive friends. I was given a job the very moment I needed it and I am living in one of the nicest apartment buildings in town.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
DAY 3
It is amazing what the peace of God will do. Less than a week ago, I slept fitfully and had strange, troubling dreams. It took two cups of coffee to even start getting me moving in the morning, even though I was getting a full 8 hours of "sleep" every night. Now I am working full time, getting 5-6 hours of good deep sleep, and not even wanting coffee in the morning. I enjoy a caffeine jolt mid-way through my shift at work, but even then I'm not dead tired.
Friday, August 13, 2010
DAY 2
There have been a lot of tears in the past 24 hours. Not over this last relationship, but over long repressed hurts in my past. I have just been praying and praying and asking God how to deal with each one. The amazing thing is, now that I am not fighting to suppress the memories, God is explaining a lot about me and the way I think and act the way I do.
Last night while I was lying in bed, I told God that I was afraid of being lonely. I told him that I needed friends, but didn’t know how to relate to other women. All my friends are usually men (the only two people I truly feel I can confide anything in are men). To survive this year, I know I am going to need girlfriends, but I always feel awkward around women. While I was talking this over with God, he showed me the source of my pain. As a very young child, I was molested by females twice. Ever since then I have not allowed myself to be “as good” as the other girls. I was ashamed of myself and felt that they knew I was damaged. I wasn’t sweet and pretty and pristine like they were. I was dirty and unlovable. By showing me this, God has given me the key to start over. Nobody knows where I come from unless I choose to tell them and even if they did, what happens to a child is not the child’s fault. I am not dirty and damaged…the people who did those things to me are. Sometime in the future, God will show me how he is going to use these negative experiences for HIS good, but I have to let HIM heal me first.
This morning, something else hit me. I am not the only one God is bringing back to him at this time. HE has also been doing some amazing work in the lives of two of my friends. Seeing what is happening in their lives now and knowing how far they have come gives me confidence that one day God will use me again. I am not beyond repair and even when I gave up on HIM, HE never gave up on me.
Last night while I was lying in bed, I told God that I was afraid of being lonely. I told him that I needed friends, but didn’t know how to relate to other women. All my friends are usually men (the only two people I truly feel I can confide anything in are men). To survive this year, I know I am going to need girlfriends, but I always feel awkward around women. While I was talking this over with God, he showed me the source of my pain. As a very young child, I was molested by females twice. Ever since then I have not allowed myself to be “as good” as the other girls. I was ashamed of myself and felt that they knew I was damaged. I wasn’t sweet and pretty and pristine like they were. I was dirty and unlovable. By showing me this, God has given me the key to start over. Nobody knows where I come from unless I choose to tell them and even if they did, what happens to a child is not the child’s fault. I am not dirty and damaged…the people who did those things to me are. Sometime in the future, God will show me how he is going to use these negative experiences for HIS good, but I have to let HIM heal me first.
This morning, something else hit me. I am not the only one God is bringing back to him at this time. HE has also been doing some amazing work in the lives of two of my friends. Seeing what is happening in their lives now and knowing how far they have come gives me confidence that one day God will use me again. I am not beyond repair and even when I gave up on HIM, HE never gave up on me.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
DAY 1
Forty-eight hours ago, I walked out on yet another destructive relationship. Going in I saw all the red flags, but blindly stumbled right by them. I was lonely and sometimes lonely takes over.
The past two days have been the most relaxing I have had in six months. Yes, everything has changed rapidly and dramatically, but it’s for the better. I may be sleeping on a friends couch and living out of a suitcase while I look for an apartment, but nobody is yelling at me or yanking me around with emotional manipulation. I know that eventually lonely is going to come back, but I am ready to beat it this time. I am going to work hard, focus on school and art, start exercising again, and just enjoy doing what I do. I am trying to learn to let go and let God. Most importantly, I am going to start seeking him again and doing things HIS way.
The past two days have been the most relaxing I have had in six months. Yes, everything has changed rapidly and dramatically, but it’s for the better. I may be sleeping on a friends couch and living out of a suitcase while I look for an apartment, but nobody is yelling at me or yanking me around with emotional manipulation. I know that eventually lonely is going to come back, but I am ready to beat it this time. I am going to work hard, focus on school and art, start exercising again, and just enjoy doing what I do. I am trying to learn to let go and let God. Most importantly, I am going to start seeking him again and doing things HIS way.
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