Day 55

Tonight the woman's group at church started a new Beth Moore study.  For the next nine weeks we will be working on an intense spiritual workout called Believing God.  I am so excited to see what the LORD will be doing in all of our lives.  Just the fact that I am comfortable in a group of women in big for me, but I know that HE has so much more planned.  Recently, I have just begin to understand the GOD has an inheritance for me, a spiritual promise land in this world. 

I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened so you may know what is the hope of His calling, what are the glorious riches of His inheritance among the saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of His power to us who believe, according to the working of His vast strength.  {Ephesians 1: 17-19}

Notice the wording "hope of His calling."  Even though all who come to HIM are saved, not all of us will receive the inheritance on earth.  That is reserved for those who's theology has merged with their reality...those who don't just talk the talk, but also walk the walk.  According to this evenings study, God is asking "Child, can I trust you with what I want to do with you?"  HE never forces us into HIS will and our inheritance, but HE has it waiting for all who will look.

But from there, you will search for the LORD your God, and you will find Him when you seek Him with all your heart and all your soul.  {Deuteronomy 4: 29}

God is waiting for my whole hearted faith.  The following five statements are part of the study and a set out, one for each finger to create a "shield of faith."  It is a personal reminder of what it really means to believe in God. 

Five-Statement Pledge of Faith

(part of the Beth Moore study Believing God)

1. God is who HE says HE is.
2. God can do what HE says HE can do.
3. I am who GOD says I am.
4. I can do all things through CHRIST.
5. GOD's Word is alive and active in me.

DAY 43

For those of you who have missed me, I am sending a huge thankyou and my appologies.  Currently, I am with out an internet connection, so my online time has been severly limited.  Hopefuly, that will be remedied soon.  I love you all and am so greatful for your love and prayers. 

Just because I cannot resist saying something thought worthy, I am going to add a little blurb.  Hope is more than a bland desire for something good to happen.  Hope is a sense of excitement and anticipation, a longing for adventure with our LORD.  Hope is waking up in the morning and saying, "Good morning, GOD.  What are we going to do today?!"  

DAY 40

This was supose to post the 20th, but did not go through.

Dear ones, I promised you a post about a certain topic GOD has been really lying on my heart lately.  Currently, I am living in a city that often time seems to be completely Godless. Here recreational drug use  is accepted as the norm,  so called “everyday girls” go shopping wearing less clothing than Julia Roberts wore streetwalking in Pretty Woman, and homosexuality is so rampant that there is an entire section of the beach dedicated to them and their lifestyle.  Trying to follow the straight and narrow in such an environment is extremely difficult.  Often, I feel as though I am exiled in Babylon, but unlike the Biblical heroes, I have not been completely successful at keeping myself undefiled in such an environment.

 Over the past year and a half, I have allowed everything I see around me to steep into my way of thinking.  Not having strong Christian friendships makes staying grounded all the harder.  I find myself justifying things that the scripture clearly states are sin.  Then I start to find conflict between myself and GOD.  I have wanted to believe that since the Bible was written so long ago, it cannot possibly apply to modern life in every application.   The past few weeks I have been strongly convicted on these grounds (when GOD sends you two sermons –from different preachers- and countless Bible studies on a topic, you had better be paying attention). 

It all started with a sermon at the church I’ve been attending.  There we are doing a verse-by-verse study of Ephesians.

I pray that the God of our LORD Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, would give you a spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him. {Ephesians 1:17}

In this passage, after having just told the Ephesians how grateful he is for their faith and love, Paul tells them that he prays specifically for their perspective.  Faith and love are essential to our Christian walk, but without a proper view of the world-GOD’s view-we cannot effectively put them to use.  Our perspective shapes who we are and we should take great care to ensure that we are shaped by GOD, not our culture. 

Then this verse cropped up in my morning study. 

Do not be conformed to this age, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind so that you may discern what is the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God.  {Romans 12:2}

Next was a sermon by Dr. Ronnie Floyd, entitled “What is God Doing in My Life.”  Although there were several strong revelations in this sermon based out of 1 Corinthians 2:6-14, the final teaching lent itself to the topic of perspective. 

Now we have not received the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, in order to know what has been freely given to us by God.  We also speak these things, not in words taught by human wisdom, but in those taught by the Spirit, explaining spiritual things to spiritual people.  {1 Corinthians 2:12-13}

I am going to paraphrase Pastor Floyds thoughts here…Today, the Spirit teaches and convicts through the word of God-our Bible.   The Bible is what GOD thinks all the time about everything.  It is our ultimate authority.  Reading it and studying it and knowing it is our only way to form a GODLY perspective (wisdom). 

For the past week I have been seeking and asking GOD what all of this looks like in my life.  I do not want to be so heavenly minded as to be no earthly good, but I do want to have a GODLY perspective of the world around me.   This morning a verse in my Romans study just popped out at me.

Love must be without hypocrisy.  Detest evil; cling to what is good.  {Romans 12:9}

Really, it is a simple as that.  I must allow GOD to love Miami through me, while keeping my focus on HIM and HIS definition of good.  It is somewhat of a tightrope walk, but GOD is the one doing the walking, I am simply along for the ride. 

“Teacher, which commandment in the law is the greatest?”  He said to him, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.  This is the greatest and most important commandment.  The second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself.  All the Law and the Prophets depend on these two commandments.”  {Matthew 22:36-40}

DAY 34

Continualy, GOD is pointing me in the same direction this week...urging me to shape my world view around HIM.  The instances and scriptures HE has bombarded me with are too many to share in a quick post, but it is heavy on my heart and in my mind to sit down and write for you on this topic.  For now, I will share just a quick thought....God does not change for pop culture. 

DAY 31

Miami has the third largest Jewish population in the United States. Every day, I see member of this chosen race and can’t help but think of their significance in history and in my faith. The very first Christians were the Jewish disciples of Christ and it was they who wrote the gospels and letters that make up our New Testament. As much as this history fascinates me, it also makes me sad. This is a race, a faith, which is continuing to wait for a promise that has already been fulfilled. They work hard to keep the law and all the holy days so that they can gain acceptance in GOD’s eyes, not realizing that their Messiah is standing by waiting to cover them with HIS righteousness.


The eleventh chapter of Romans speaks about how we, the gentile believers, have been grafted into the family of GOD because of Israel’s disbelief. Of that I am grateful, but it still saddens me to see these people so wholly seeking GOD and missing the point. So often, I long to tell them how close they are, but in the realms of business I am never given the opportunity. So, I continue to pray for them. I know that GOD has not forgotten HIS people and will fulfill HIS promises to them.

Regarding the gospel, they are enemies for your advantage, but regarding election, they are loved because of their forefathers, since God’s gracious gifts and calling are irrevocable. {Romans 11:28-29}

Before moving to Miami, the Chosen People were something I thought about only in Biblical realms. But here, they are very real. Currently, they are celebrating their new year and the streets are nearly empty without them. I am continually very much aware of what I have gained at their loss.

So that you will not be conceited, brothers, I do not want you to be unaware of this mystery: a partial hardening has come to Israel until the full number of the Gentiles has come in. {Romans 11: 25}

While posting this blog, I realised that today is September 11.  Nine years ago today the world as we knew it changed.  That day and in the years since, hundreds of thousands of Americans have died in this act of terrorism and the war against such atrocities.  Many more carry physical, mental, and emotional wounds. To me this is  more than a blanket generalisation.  My own family and friends have seen this suffering first hand.  My heart and prayers go out to all the Americans who have felt the effects of the war on terrorism. 

DAY 29

For years, I have been asking GOD why HE made me the way HE did. Let’s face it; I’m not “normal.” Even my family considers me an odd ball. I’m an artist: a little off beat, frequently misunderstood, essentially unable to blend in with the rest of society…There was a time I resented this and when my attempts to change me failed, I struggled my hardest to at least hide it. This quote from Amy Gerstler describes me very well: “Some of us grow up doing credible impressions of model citizens (though sooner or later hairline cracks appear in our facades). The rest are dubbed eccentrics, unnerved and undone by other peoples company, for which we nevertheless pine. Curses, outbursts, and distracting chants simmer all day in the Crock-Pots of our heads.”


The truth is, there is nothing wrong with me…or at least not with my personality. That is how GOD chose to create me and HE did it on purpose.

But who are you-anyone who talks back to God? Will what is formed say to the one who formed it, “Why did you make me like this?” {Romans 9:20}

Just like I create each my pieces as one-of-a-kind items with their own particular purpose and function, GOD has created me the same way. Yet, better than that…GOD’s design plan is flawless. Yes, as a human I am flawed and sinful, but who I am was created with an intended purpose in GOD’s kingdom. HE is going to use me in a way that only HE can see, my job is to submit and obey…and be myself. If I am busy trying to be somebody else or to stifle who I am, my eyes will not be where HE intends them to be.

Therefore since we also have such a large cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares us, and run with endurance the race that lies before us, keeping our eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that lay before Him endured a cross and despised the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of God’s throne. {Hebrews 12:1-2}

Our focus in life should be to simply run the race. I belong to Christ and as I run, HE will change the parts of me that HE needs changed. I must simply run and trust: desiring only to know HIM and HIS will, to be a tool in HIS all knowing hands.

My goal is to know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings. {Philippians 3: 10}

DAY 27

I don't know what is wrong with me!  I just cannot seem to memorise scripture.  I use to absorb a verse or short passage after just a few readings, but the two verses from Psalm I started weeks ago just don't want to stick.  Maybe there is just too much going on for my brain to accept more.  After all, in the past month I have moved once, am about to move again, got a new job, completely flipped my schedule, and started preparing to go back to school. 

DAY 26

Once again, my two reading worked together perfectly.  I love to see the work of my living LORD through the scriptures.  Today, HE is working on adjusting my perspective...

He must increase, but I must decrease. The One who comes from above is above all.  The one who is from the earth is earthly and speaks in earthly terms.  The One who comes from heaven is above all. {John 3: 30-31}

For those whose lives are according to the flesh think about things of the flesh, but those whose lives are according to the Spirit, about the things of the Spirit.  For the mind-set of the flesh is death, but the mind-set of the Spirit is life and peace.  {Romans 8: 5-6}

Those whose lives are in the flesh are unable to please God.  You however, are not in the flesh, but in the Spirit, since the Spirit of God lives in you.   But if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Him.  Now if Christ is in you, the body is dead because of sin, but the Spirit is life because of righteousness.  And if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead lives in you, then He who raised Christ from the dead will also  bring your mortal bodies to life through His Spirit who lives in you.  {Romans 8:8-11}

DAY 23

I continue to be amazed by the way my two scripture reading for the day complement each other. Those of you, who know me, have a pretty clear idea that I don’t function in the morning before my coffee. So I start my reading out with a Daily Bread Devotional and my first cup of “bean water.” It is a slow read, with a few prompts to help me out and keep my groggy brain focused. Then I move on the book of Romans where I read anything from a few verses (if they are a lot to digest) to an entire chapter. This morning, my Daily Bread reading was about Noah and I was so struck by what GOD showed me in the scripture passage that it wasn’t until after reading my chapter in Romans that I realized I had forgotten to read the devotion that went along with it. I love it when HE shows me new things in passages I thought I knew already.


God remembered Noah, as well as all the wildlife and all the livestock that were with him in the ark. God caused a wind to pass over the earth and the water begin to subside. The sources of the watery depths and the floodgates of the sky were closed and the rain from the sky stopped. The water steadily receded from the earth, and by the end of 150 days the water had decreased significantly. The ark came to rest in the seventh month, on the seventeenth day of the month, on the mountains of Ararat. The waters continued to recede until the tenth month; in the tenth month, on the first day of the month, the tops of the mountains were visible. {Genesis 8:1-5}

Most, if not all, of us know the account of Noah and his ark. This is something we have been told about since childhood, but today I saw a little bit about healing that I had never seen before. GOD remembered Noah and the animals and was rescuing them, but HE did not cause it to happen in an instant. Yes, he could have made it happen completely and totally with nothing more than a thought, but being GOD he knows that his creation does not process life events that quickly. Instead HE caused the water to recede little by little, building an understanding in the heart of Noah that this ordeal was soon coming to the end. If HE had simply caused the earth to dry and heal over the matter of a second, Noah and his family may have been frightened…so frightened that they could not bring themselves to leave the ark. Even worse, a quick fix could have ended up being underwhelming. Here GOD had just crated a huge catastrophic event to cleanse HIS creation. To reverse the effects so quickly may have caused Noah and future generations to simply shrug off the ordeal, downplaying the magnitude of what had been accomplished.

I know that I frequently get impatient with GOD, but healing and change take time. Sometimes it takes years, not the days that Noah counted. Then again, although it was only days that it took to be released from the ark, Noah and his family were sure to have seen and felt the results of the flood for decades after it occurred. GOD will orchestrate our rescue, and has orchestrated it, but HE also knows the proper timing. HE knows what we can handle and the time frame that we will need to work thought and accept HIS rescue for what it really is.

Still digesting that, I turned to Romans.

For my inner self I joyfully agree with God’s law. But I see a different low in the parts of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and taking me prisoner to the law of sin in the parts of my body. What a wrenched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? I thank God throught Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, with my mind I myself am a slave to the law of God, but with my flesh, to the law of sin. {Romans 7: 22-24}

Just like GOD brings us physical rescue, HE is also brings us spiritual rescue. And once again, it is not completely instantaneous. It takes time and discipline for our flesh to become obedient to the laws of GOD, despite what the desires of our heart may be. Yes, when we submit to GOD, HE brings huge instantaneous changes to us, but we are far from completion. Even Paul continued to struggle with his flesh. Throughout our days, GOD continues to rescue us a little at a time and we reach the goal the day we are finally taken home. None of us will be perfected on this earth, but as long as we continue to follow, the flood waters will continue to recede until we see the light at the end of the tunnel.

DAY 21: Still Contemplating

According to the law, I would not have to worry about the remarriage issue.  The man I was married to, would have been put to death for his cimes.  The fact that he is allowed to live, is simply the grace of the New Covenant.  I owe him nothing on any level, it is as if he were dead to me.  I am a free woman, free to follow GOD in all things and accept all gifts HE may bring me...including a GODLY mate. 

Not for a minute have I ever considered my parents as being adulterous.  My dear stepfather is one of the greatest blessings in my life.  In fact, GOD used him to bring about the rescue of my children and I.  Perhaps I could not argue my convictions with a theologian (that is where I get into trouble, I want everything in air tight packages), but it is my relationship with CHRIST at stake not the theologians.  Every thing I do will be tested by prayer, but I do believe that GOD has not left me an untouchable. 

I know the plans I have for you"-this is the LORD'S declaration-"plans for your welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.  You will call on Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.  I will be found by you"-the LORD'S declaration.  "I will restore you to the place I deported you from.  {Jeremiah 29:11-14}

DAY 21

I am struggling today. My morning reading took me to several passages regarding divorce and remarriage. All very explicitly state that to marry another was to commit adultery.


Matthew 5:31-32 and 19: 4-9


Mark 10:5-12


1 Corinthians 7:10-17

Yet, none seem to take extreme situations into consideration. What about the situation where not only adultery was endured, but extreme abuse? Does GOD punish me for having to flee for the lives of my children?

When I was seeking GOD during the darkest, most dangerous days of my marriage, we had a very interesting conversation one morning while I was feeding the chickens. It was cool and dewy, a beautiful morning, but fear was gnawing on me. I had been sent outside to care for the animals, while the children (who usually accompanied me) were kept inside by their father to guarantee that I “didn’t do anything stupid.” I was just rambling away, telling GOD how I just didn’t understand what was happening. I had been a faithful wife. I had followed Sarah’s example and obeyed my husband even when his choices were wrong and placed me in harm’s way. I was overwhelmed trying to be an obedient wife and protect my children at the same time; often I had to choose one or the other. Finally I just concluded, "GOD I know Sarah did this and you rescued her, but Sarah didn’t have babies!”

At that moment, I heard GOD just as clearly as if he were standing there. He said, “Remember Abigail. She went against her wicked husband and I blessed her.” I was shocked! I hadn’t heard or even thought about Abigail since I was a small child listening to my mama read from a big volume of Bible stories. As soon the chores were done and I had a few minutes, I hid away with my Bible and her story again (I Samuel 25).

Within days, the children and I were out and safe. That in itself was a huge blessing. Hostage situations including family members usually result in a mass murder suicide situation. Just being alive, beat all the statistics (in their culture, Nabal could have had Abigail killed for her disobedience). Yet, now I am left with another question. Am I Biblically allowed to remarry? Unlike Nabal, the “churlish” man I was married to, did not drop over dead in his dinner plate. He is still around, showing up just frequently enough to keep the children terrified of every shadow in the yard.

I want to do what is right in the eyes of GOD. I have no desire to lead another into sin, by allowing them to commit to a marriage that may be seen as adultery in HIS eyes. Yet, I cannot fathom how a loving GOD would stamp me as damaged goods and set me up on the shelf for sixty years.

DAY 20

Having no Christian friends in the city, I often feel the world overwhelming me. Although I logically know that I am certainly not the only one here trying to make their life count for God, it often feels like it. Even for someone who has always been on the non conformist side of things, it starts to be tempting to stifle ones convictions just enough to find a place to fit in.


My roommate is completely flabbergasted I don’t stay in bed Sunday morning. The girls at work don’t understand why I come home after we close up shop instead of joining them at the club. The guys who work in the neighboring shops cannot fathom why I continually turn down dates and invitations for drinks after work. Sometimes, I even question it myself. With no law telling me that I absolutely cannot do these things, it is very tempting to step a bit sideways. After all, going home alone at the end of each night can get to be pretty lonely (thank GOD I have three Christian friends who are all night owls and only a phone call away). This morning though, my pep talk came from the book of Romans:

For if we have been joined with Him in the likeness of His death, we will certainly also be in the likeness of His resurrection. Foe we know that our old self was crucified with Him in order that sin’s dominion of the body may be abolished, so that we may no longer be enslaved to sin, since a person who has died is freed from sin’s claims…So you to consider yourselves dead to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus. {Romans 6:5-7, 11}

Next to these verses in Romans is one of my personal cross references, speaking about our freedom from the law.

Christ has liberated us into freedom. Therefore stand firm and don’t submit again to a yoke of slavery. For you are called to freedom, brothers; only don’t use this freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but serve one another through love. {Galatians 5: 1 and 13}

…interesting combination. I have to admit, it took me a minute to muddle through what I was thinking two years ago when I set the two scriptures side by side. Although we often think of grace as replacing the law, it is only though the law that we realize how great of grace we have received (Romans 7:7-8). If I am dead to sin and free from the law where does that leave me? At the guidance of the Holy Spirit, a tool in the hands of GOD.

Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body, so that you obey its desires. And do not offer any parts of it to sin as weapons for unrighteousness. But as those who are alive from the dead, offer yourselves to God, and all the parts of yourselves to God as weapons for righteousness. {Romans 6: 12-13}

I am weak and human. I cannot follow the whole law and therefore fail when I attempt to please GOD with my own righteousness, which often results in my discouragement and submission to sin. When I submit to HIM and allow HIM to use me a weapon for righteousness, I can do nothing but succeed. Being dead to sin does mean that there are places I don’t go and things I don’t do, even though everybody else does and encourages me to participate as well. Yet, being alive is Christ is far more of a reward than anything else in this life.

Day 18

I attended church again this week and really enjoyed the service this time around. The format is a bit different than what I’m use to, but the word is always a blessing. Instead of the occasionally fiery Baptist preaching I am accustomed to, this service is more of a family Bible study. Verse by verse teaching of the scriptures are lead by a pastor in a conversational tone and a mile long list of cross references for every point he wants to make. In 60 minutes we went over 4 verses and were back and forth through out the Old and New Testaments countless times. Although it may not be what most of us expect from church, it is a great asset for someone who is deeply searching. I came away with a new take on the concept of redemption and the role of CHRIST as kinsman redeemer, as well as a couple hours worth of personal study plans.

DAY 14

And not only that, but we also rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope. This hope does not disappoint, because God’s love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. {Romans 5:3-5}


Just a quick thought today. Properly dealt with, affliction becomes exercise for the soul. If I had chosen to rejoice in all things from the beginning, my soul wouldn’t be so out of shape now.

A Short Devotion

This was sent to me by a friend.  I thought you all might enjoy it as well.http://www.wels.net/spiritual-help/daily-devotion/2010-08/pain-good-august-25-2010

DAY 13

Ever since I was a little girl, the desire dearest to my heart was to have a family. I always pictured myself herding a brood of noisy, happy children throughout the day and greeting a tired but smiling husband at the door each evening. Sounds pretty ordinary, but the vision never stopped there. It wasn’t going to be the disjointed family that I grew up in, but a family that loved GOD and each other beyond comprehension. We were going to mirror, to the best of human ability, the family relationship between CHRIST and the church. Now this desire of my heart may seem like a natural, girlish fantasy, but I always believed that is was more. It is something that GOD placed on my heart because HE knows what HE has planned for a family and what role HE desires me to play in that family.


When my babies were born, you would not believe how my heart rejoiced! It was as if with each birth, a new part of me came to life. I sang and read and talked to them far before they were even birthed. I set scripture to the tunes of popular nursery rhymes and children’s ditties for them to learn in an easy, natural way. We spent every waking hour together and often ended up sleeping piled up like possums. Together, the children and I were happy, but the man who was supposed to come home every evening wasn’t on the same page. Of course, he said he was, but many nights he didn’t even show up and many others he showed up ranting.

Then things turned from bad to worse, our marriage ended and I felt like a failure. The tormentor used scriptures like

Every wise woman builds her house, but a foolish one tears it down with her own hands. {Proverbs 14:1}

and

Now as the church submits to Christ, so wives should submit to their husbands in everything. {Ephesians 5: 24}

pared with the accounts of Sara’s obedience to Abraham even when he was wrong (Genesis 12:10-20 and chapter 20) to beat me down. Mixed with some strict fundamentalist doctrine it did the trick pretty well. One person even told me that if I had had enough faith, GOD would have turned my husband into a GODLY man and the demise of the family was completely on my head.

Since that time, GOD has released me of that burden of guilt. I have or had no control over what my husband did and even though the end of our marriage was the result of sin, it was not the result of my sin. In fact, I have had to ask GOD’S forgiveness for not protecting the precious children HE gave me and allowing them to stay in an abusive situation for as long as I did. After the guilt was removed, I was simply filled with sorrow. I felt that I had lost the chance to give GOD and my children the family I had felt called to. Although my children are being raised by my Mama and Daddy while I am attending college and get myself put back together, I still long for them to have the happy healthy family I had envisioned for them.

About a week ago, I was crying to one of my very few girlfriends (we have been together since high school and know each other in a way that only old friends can). I was telling her of how it broke my heart that my children were now at ages where I felt they would never have a Daddy. After my tearful confession, she very calmly asked me a question. “How old were you when you got your Daddy?” Then I just had to laugh. I was 21. This amazing, GODLY man took it upon himself to care for me and my children before he even started dating my Mama. My baby bug has never known a time in her life when he was not her “Pa” (the only part of “grandpa” that is understandable with a thumb in her mouth). She was two when they got married and use to tell people, “My Pa and my Ma’laine they had me and I was their grandbaby, so they had to get married.”

Ok, so where am I going with all this? Today’s reading was Romans chapter 4.

For the promise to Abraham or to his descendants that he would inherit the world was not through the law, but through the righteousness that comes by faith…Against hope, with hope he believed, so that he became the father of many nations, according to what had been spoken: So will your descendents be. He considered his own body to be already dead (since he was about a hundred years old), and the deadness of Sarah’s womb, without weakening in faith. He did not waver in unbelief at God’s promise, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God because he was fully convinced that what He had promised He was also able to perform. Therefore, it was credited to him as righteousness.{Romans 4:13, 18-22}

How fitting that GOD would use the same life to renew HIS hope in my heart as tormentor used to needle me! My desire for a GODLY family is not something that I placed in my heart, GOD gave me that desire and HE will see it come to fruition. It is not too late. With GOD it is never too late. Yes, I need to be reminded of the promise; GOD reminded Abraham three times (Genesis 15, 17, and 18). Yes, I have and do make mistakes, Abraham did (Genesis 12, 16, 17-he actually laughs at God, and 20) and so did Sarah (Genesis 18), but GOD is faithful. HE sees our hearts and knows our weakness and loves us just the same. Not only does HE continue to love us, but HE continues to use us and move us toward HIS ultimate plan.

DAY 12

In reading the book of Romans I am continually being reminded how important it is to know scripture. No matter what point Paul is trying to make, he backs it up with Old Testament scriptures that many of his readers were probably already familiar with. It seems that in every chapter he says “as it is written” at least once. This has spurred me to begin scripture memorization again…something I have not done for quite awhile. This is the verse I am currently working on. I feel led to make it my life prayer.


Who perceives his unintentional sins? Cleanse me from my hidden faults. Moreover, keep your servant from willful sins; do not let them rule over me. Then I will be innocent, and cleansed from blatant rebellion. May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable to You, LORD, my rock and my Redeemer. {Psalm 19:12-14}

DAY 11

Today, I went to church.  In the past year, I have only attended service 3 times, all when I was visiting my family.  Today, I chose to go and worship.  I enjoyed the service, but with my over active thought processing I was too busy taking everything in to fully submerge myself in the worship.  Also, the fact that it was a non-denominational church had me on edge...it's so hard to know what they really believe.  I looked them up online before I went and I didn't find anything in their belief statement that was different than what I would expect to find from a Bible believing church, but I am still not too sure about them.  I am committed to finding a church home for the remainder of my time in the city and I am positive that the LORD will provide. 

DAY 8

My morning reading now consists of a Daily Bread devotional I found in the back of my Bible and the book of Romans. I started with the devotional this morning and read Joshua 1: 1-9. In this passage, GOD has given Joshua the role of leader to the entire Israelite race. Not only does GOD admonish Joshua to be strong and courageous three times in this passage, he also tells him how keep his eyes on GOD and off of the fearful task before him.


Above all, be strong and very courageous to carefully observe the whole instruction My servant Moses commanded you. Do not turn from it to the right or the left, so that you will have success wherever you go. This book of instruction must not depart from your mouth; you are to recite it day and night, so that you may carefully observe everything written in it. For then you will prosper and succeed in whatever you do. {Joshua 1: 7-8}

Knowing GOD’s instructions is a critical part of our Christian walk. We are to not just read it, but know it. Our Bible is the living word of GOD. By studying it with prayer and an open heart, GOD will use it in a very real way in our daily lives.

For the word of God is living and effective and shaper than any two edged sword, penetrating as far as to divide soul, spirit, joints, and marrow; it is a judge of the ideas and thoughts from the heart. {Hebrews 4:12}

I for one, certainly need clear cut instructions for every step I take and even then I often tremble with fear.  That is where my reading from Romans comes in.

We have received grace and apostleship through Him to bring about the obedience of faith among all nations, on behalf of His name, {Romans 1:5}

Faith does not come naturally. Through obedience I will practice faith in my LORD. When I looked up faith in the dictionary I found unquestioning belief, complete trust or confidence, and loyalty among the definitions. Hummmm, complete trust or confidence…sounds kind of like what it takes to be strong and courageous. When GOD is telling Joshua (or me) to be strong and courageous HE is really saying “have faith…practice obedience of faith.” Then he follows it with a promise.

Haven’t I commanded you, be strong and courageous? Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go. {Joshua 1:9}

DAY 7

I got my Bible back this morning. As soon as I had brought everything upstairs I sat down in my jumble of art supplies and started to pray and read. I am still sitting in the middle of the mess even as I write. There were a few things from my reading that I wanted to share with my dear ones here while it is still fresh in my mind.


When I closed my prayers, I asked GOD to show me where I should read. It had been so long since I had turned to the scriptures that I didn’t know where to start. Not surprisingly, he led me right to my favorite book: Romans. My ribbon was placed in Romans 8 and verse 20 just seemed to jump off the page (and not only because it was written in bold print).

I was found by those who were not looking for Me; I revealed Myself to those who were not asking for Me. {Romans 8:20 and Isaiah 65:1}

A month ago I was certainly not looking for GOD. I was doing my very best to look away from him. Even thought I knew the scriptures and was occasionally appalled at my own actions, I was bound and determined to make life work my way. I was tired of seeing people who I knew gave GOD no thought at all doing (what I perceived as) better in life than I was, while I struggled along trying to live a holy life and seemed to get nowhere. Most of all, I saw the loss of my children as a direct assault against me from GOD. Yes, my logical mind knew that they were safe with my parents, but my heart said that the separation hurt too much and was unfair. I had done everything I had been told to do in order to keep them and had still lost.

In July, I was at my parents spending a week with the children. Even then I was struggling. Just watching them and knowing that this one week was just a moment in their small but ever changing lives was heartbreaking. Holding them was bittersweet, because I knew that it was soon going to end and my arms would once again be empty. Over and over that week, I told GOD it was unfair. I told HIM I was angry with HIM. I asked HIM why. There didn’t seem to be any answer. Then, the day before I was suppose to leave my youngest came up to me with a gift. It was a beaded key chain that read “God is loving.” To be completely honest, I didn’t want it. Holding it in my hand I thought rather hatefully “it’s not true,” but because it was a gift from my baby bug I had to accept it. In the pretense of packing I stuffed that key chain way down in my bag and tried to forget it, but GOD had sent me a message and he wasn’t about to let me ignore it. That key chain wore on my mind. I found that I just couldn’t forget it. Finally I said to GOD, “My baby bug says that you are loving. I don’t feel it. Please, show me.”

LORD, our Lord, how magnificent is Your name throughout the earth! You have covered the heavens with Your majesty! Because of Your adversaries, You have established a stronghold! from the mouths of children and nursing infants, to silence the enemy and the avenger. {Psalm 8:1-2}

After that the whole world started changing. I started to see GODS love in so many areas in my life and in all the little things that I had been taking for granite. Now I can once again say, that yes, GOD is loving and he does have my best interest at heart. I am constantly reminded of a quote by Charles Spurgen: “GOD is too wise to be mistaken. GOD is too good to be unkind. And when you can’t trace HIS hand, trust HIS heart.”

There were so many other things I wanted to share with you today, but I have already been long winded. If like me, you are hurting, please read Isaiah 65 and take heart in the New Creation to come. A time when we will not know pain or even be able to remember the struggles of the past is coming. GOD has promised and GOD always keeps his promises. As for me, this is the person I will endeavor to be until that time…

This is, the LORD’s declaration. I will look favorably on this kind of person: one who is humble, submissive in spirit, and who trembles at MY word. {Isaiah 66: 2b}

DAY 5

I need spiritual food. I can already feel myself slipping. My ex-boyfriend brought most of my things over this morning and unloading his truck it finally hit me that I am physically alone…again. I don’t belong anywhere or with anyone. I know that I am never truly alone, but sometimes it sure feels like it. Unfortunately, of all the things he brought over today, the suitcase with my Bible in it wasn’t among them.


I didn’t go to church yesterday: partly because I was exhausted and partly because I was afraid. Sitting through a blistering sermon doesn’t faze me, I know I need a few good talking’s to. There are many areas in my life that need major correction. Making those corrections is going to be painful, but with God’s hand they will also bring freedom and comfort. What intimidates me are the people. Meeting new people in the context of a church isn’t easy for me anymore. I need the fellowship and long for a church family, but I am terrified that I will be turned away.

All in all, I still know that I am tremendously blessed. I have a loving family and supportive friends. I was given a job the very moment I needed it and I am living in one of the nicest apartment buildings in town.

DAY 3

It is amazing what the peace of God will do.  Less than a week ago, I slept fitfully and had strange, troubling dreams.  It took two cups of coffee to even start getting me moving in the morning, even though I was getting a full 8 hours of "sleep" every night.  Now I am working full time, getting 5-6 hours of good deep sleep, and not even wanting coffee in the morning.  I enjoy a caffeine jolt mid-way through my shift at work, but even then I'm not dead tired. 

DAY 2

There have been a lot of tears in the past 24 hours. Not over this last relationship, but over long repressed hurts in my past. I have just been praying and praying and asking God how to deal with each one. The amazing thing is, now that I am not fighting to suppress the memories, God is explaining a lot about me and the way I think and act the way I do.


Last night while I was lying in bed, I told God that I was afraid of being lonely. I told him that I needed friends, but didn’t know how to relate to other women. All my friends are usually men (the only two people I truly feel I can confide anything in are men). To survive this year, I know I am going to need girlfriends, but I always feel awkward around women. While I was talking this over with God, he showed me the source of my pain. As a very young child, I was molested by females twice. Ever since then I have not allowed myself to be “as good” as the other girls. I was ashamed of myself and felt that they knew I was damaged. I wasn’t sweet and pretty and pristine like they were. I was dirty and unlovable. By showing me this, God has given me the key to start over. Nobody knows where I come from unless I choose to tell them and even if they did, what happens to a child is not the child’s fault. I am not dirty and damaged…the people who did those things to me are. Sometime in the future, God will show me how he is going to use these negative experiences for HIS good, but I have to let HIM heal me first.

This morning, something else hit me. I am not the only one God is bringing back to him at this time. HE has also been doing some amazing work in the lives of two of my friends. Seeing what is happening in their lives now and knowing how far they have come gives me confidence that one day God will use me again. I am not beyond repair and even when I gave up on HIM, HE never gave up on me.

DAY 1

Forty-eight hours ago, I walked out on yet another destructive relationship. Going in I saw all the red flags, but blindly stumbled right by them. I was lonely and sometimes lonely takes over.



The past two days have been the most relaxing I have had in six months. Yes, everything has changed rapidly and dramatically, but it’s for the better. I may be sleeping on a friends couch and living out of a suitcase while I look for an apartment, but nobody is yelling at me or yanking me around with emotional manipulation. I know that eventually lonely is going to come back, but I am ready to beat it this time. I am going to work hard, focus on school and art, start exercising again, and just enjoy doing what I do. I am trying to learn to let go and let God. Most importantly, I am going to start seeking him again and doing things HIS way.