DAY 13

Ever since I was a little girl, the desire dearest to my heart was to have a family. I always pictured myself herding a brood of noisy, happy children throughout the day and greeting a tired but smiling husband at the door each evening. Sounds pretty ordinary, but the vision never stopped there. It wasn’t going to be the disjointed family that I grew up in, but a family that loved GOD and each other beyond comprehension. We were going to mirror, to the best of human ability, the family relationship between CHRIST and the church. Now this desire of my heart may seem like a natural, girlish fantasy, but I always believed that is was more. It is something that GOD placed on my heart because HE knows what HE has planned for a family and what role HE desires me to play in that family.


When my babies were born, you would not believe how my heart rejoiced! It was as if with each birth, a new part of me came to life. I sang and read and talked to them far before they were even birthed. I set scripture to the tunes of popular nursery rhymes and children’s ditties for them to learn in an easy, natural way. We spent every waking hour together and often ended up sleeping piled up like possums. Together, the children and I were happy, but the man who was supposed to come home every evening wasn’t on the same page. Of course, he said he was, but many nights he didn’t even show up and many others he showed up ranting.

Then things turned from bad to worse, our marriage ended and I felt like a failure. The tormentor used scriptures like

Every wise woman builds her house, but a foolish one tears it down with her own hands. {Proverbs 14:1}

and

Now as the church submits to Christ, so wives should submit to their husbands in everything. {Ephesians 5: 24}

pared with the accounts of Sara’s obedience to Abraham even when he was wrong (Genesis 12:10-20 and chapter 20) to beat me down. Mixed with some strict fundamentalist doctrine it did the trick pretty well. One person even told me that if I had had enough faith, GOD would have turned my husband into a GODLY man and the demise of the family was completely on my head.

Since that time, GOD has released me of that burden of guilt. I have or had no control over what my husband did and even though the end of our marriage was the result of sin, it was not the result of my sin. In fact, I have had to ask GOD’S forgiveness for not protecting the precious children HE gave me and allowing them to stay in an abusive situation for as long as I did. After the guilt was removed, I was simply filled with sorrow. I felt that I had lost the chance to give GOD and my children the family I had felt called to. Although my children are being raised by my Mama and Daddy while I am attending college and get myself put back together, I still long for them to have the happy healthy family I had envisioned for them.

About a week ago, I was crying to one of my very few girlfriends (we have been together since high school and know each other in a way that only old friends can). I was telling her of how it broke my heart that my children were now at ages where I felt they would never have a Daddy. After my tearful confession, she very calmly asked me a question. “How old were you when you got your Daddy?” Then I just had to laugh. I was 21. This amazing, GODLY man took it upon himself to care for me and my children before he even started dating my Mama. My baby bug has never known a time in her life when he was not her “Pa” (the only part of “grandpa” that is understandable with a thumb in her mouth). She was two when they got married and use to tell people, “My Pa and my Ma’laine they had me and I was their grandbaby, so they had to get married.”

Ok, so where am I going with all this? Today’s reading was Romans chapter 4.

For the promise to Abraham or to his descendants that he would inherit the world was not through the law, but through the righteousness that comes by faith…Against hope, with hope he believed, so that he became the father of many nations, according to what had been spoken: So will your descendents be. He considered his own body to be already dead (since he was about a hundred years old), and the deadness of Sarah’s womb, without weakening in faith. He did not waver in unbelief at God’s promise, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God because he was fully convinced that what He had promised He was also able to perform. Therefore, it was credited to him as righteousness.{Romans 4:13, 18-22}

How fitting that GOD would use the same life to renew HIS hope in my heart as tormentor used to needle me! My desire for a GODLY family is not something that I placed in my heart, GOD gave me that desire and HE will see it come to fruition. It is not too late. With GOD it is never too late. Yes, I need to be reminded of the promise; GOD reminded Abraham three times (Genesis 15, 17, and 18). Yes, I have and do make mistakes, Abraham did (Genesis 12, 16, 17-he actually laughs at God, and 20) and so did Sarah (Genesis 18), but GOD is faithful. HE sees our hearts and knows our weakness and loves us just the same. Not only does HE continue to love us, but HE continues to use us and move us toward HIS ultimate plan.