DAY 2

There have been a lot of tears in the past 24 hours. Not over this last relationship, but over long repressed hurts in my past. I have just been praying and praying and asking God how to deal with each one. The amazing thing is, now that I am not fighting to suppress the memories, God is explaining a lot about me and the way I think and act the way I do.


Last night while I was lying in bed, I told God that I was afraid of being lonely. I told him that I needed friends, but didn’t know how to relate to other women. All my friends are usually men (the only two people I truly feel I can confide anything in are men). To survive this year, I know I am going to need girlfriends, but I always feel awkward around women. While I was talking this over with God, he showed me the source of my pain. As a very young child, I was molested by females twice. Ever since then I have not allowed myself to be “as good” as the other girls. I was ashamed of myself and felt that they knew I was damaged. I wasn’t sweet and pretty and pristine like they were. I was dirty and unlovable. By showing me this, God has given me the key to start over. Nobody knows where I come from unless I choose to tell them and even if they did, what happens to a child is not the child’s fault. I am not dirty and damaged…the people who did those things to me are. Sometime in the future, God will show me how he is going to use these negative experiences for HIS good, but I have to let HIM heal me first.

This morning, something else hit me. I am not the only one God is bringing back to him at this time. HE has also been doing some amazing work in the lives of two of my friends. Seeing what is happening in their lives now and knowing how far they have come gives me confidence that one day God will use me again. I am not beyond repair and even when I gave up on HIM, HE never gave up on me.